Learning yourself and your newborn
Now that you have a newborn there are a ton of people who have opinions on what you “should do”. It can feel overwhelming to do things ”right” in this age of information overload. So I’m going to try to simplify it for you and help you to learn your baby.
Let’s start with 3 things-
1. There is no “right” way!! Each mom and baby will find their own way and that is the right way.
2. You cannot spoil a baby with caring, loving, holding, and listening. These things teach trust.
3. Babies need a simple routine. Feed, play, cuddle, and sleep! These days can be hard for women who like to be go-go-go.
As we have become more isolated as people, we have lost the ability to observe the first days, weeks, and months of having a newborn. When we lived in community we had the ability to see how slow and often hard these first few months were for new moms. We would learn by watching the intuitive care these mothers were learning and trying, we learned by having the older women offer gentle help and offer tips that had helped with other babies. In that loss we as new moms feel helpless and are not taught how to trust ourselves to care for these sweet little humans, we are also bombarded with experts and blogs that tell us things that are “needed” to do to help babies adjust to your life.
Somehow in the last few decades we have lost an important part of the bigger needs of newborns and the adjustment we as parents need to make.
The idea that life can stay the same as it was before we add a new baby to our lives is such a weird thought process. This implied perspective seems to come from different segments of our culture; church, consumerism, capitalism, patriarchy, motherhood media, medical industry and generational ties. We are taught throughout our lives what is expected of us as mothers through each of these, some expectations are the same, some have minor differences.
The overall message is ‘adults need little people to behave’ and we as the mother are the responsible party in teaching that child from newborn the behavior that is expected of them.
We as women are not given the space to learn the new life that we have stepped into. The learning and growth that it takes to become a mother is hidden, silent and slow. In a world that praises activity, growing means we have to be doing something showable, making things happen! It means that the first week PP women can't stay in bed and heal, not even that those around them won't give them that, it’s that women won't give themselves that! Let alone 2 weeks to heal, learn how to breastfeed, to learn the new rhythm of life with a newborn. There is no credit given to the quiet growth or rest in our culture.
The first few months with a newborn is about learning flexibility and responding to your newborns needs for sleep and feeding. The key to being flexible is learning how to be ready and able to change and adapt to your newborns needs. One day may be feeding every 30 minutes, the next may be every 3 hours. One day we may nap throughout the day and the next we may be playing and talking more to our babies. Babies don’t have time as reference. Babies show you their needs and wants without thinking about your need for a phone call, lunch or a shower. They do not understand others' needs. This is not to say your needs are not important, because they are. As you meet your needs around your babies, you need to build trust and teach needs to your baby. It also does not mean that meeting your needs won’t be hard, some days it will be, and if you have other children that adds to the harder moments of self needs. Then add wanting to have time with your partner (we will talk more about this later) and growing with them as a parent and partner. Watching your baby’s cues and learning how they communicate takes time, quiet and slow learning time. Baby’s need simple routines to learn the world around them. Feeding, sleeping, playing, they have been learning your life rhythm while in the womb. If you are normally busy throughout the day your baby learned that when you sat at the end of your day it was able to move and play, so now that baby is on the outside it still has that timing it has grown in.
So let’s talk sleep-
The Newborn part of the brain that controls day/night sleep cycle has not yet matured, for most babies their sleep cycle matures around 3 months. Most babies develop sleep patterns throughout the first year of life, sleeping through the night is not normal, and should not be expected in the first year of life. Babies should wake to feed throughout the night after a 2-4 hour chunk at the start of the night and then wake to feed throughout the night from every 1-3 hours depending on the weight, metabolism and size of their stomach. Once waking in the morning they will normally cluster feed and then do a good nap after, then wake to feed, sleep, and play throughout the day with another longer nap in the late afternoon. Then cluster throughout the evening often called the “witching hour”. All babies will find their own schedule and it can vary from day to day, week to week. Once you think you have a solid schedule they will hit a growth spurt and they will feed a lot for a few days and then sleep more for a few days and then the schedule will change. Remaining flexible is so important throughout this time so that you are getting naps and the rest you need. Babies will always sleep better with you near them, so if you are needing longer sleep cycles bringing the baby closer to you can help you get that sleep. Dock-a-tot like sleep cushions are a great way if you're nervous about co-sleeping. Babies need sleep to grow so making sleep a priority is important. They usually need 14-17 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. Remember they have small stomachs so they need to wake frequently to feed and will often fall back to sleep a few times before having a fully awake time.
There are 2 sleep cycles of a newborn
1. Active sleep – babies move around a lot ,twitch or jerk, eyes move under lids, make noise, breathing can vary, and they can be woken easily during active sleep.
2. Quiet sleep- Newborns are still, with deep regular breathing and are harder to wake up.
Babies need both these cycles. At the end of these cycles babies may wake for a little while before feeding and starting the cycle again. Some babies need more help to get into a good sleep cycle than others. You can help them by reducing stimulation around you and baby, hold baby close to you to help them feel secure, use your voice to soothe them (singing or just talking), Rhythmic patting- try a heartbeat pattern, movement- walking or bouncing.
Trust yourself and your baby. You do know how to help your baby and your baby is telling you what they need. They do not know how to trick you, manipulate you, they only know their needs.
Crying-
Crying tells you a baby has a need you have not met. Crying is often the last signal a baby has to show their needs.
Other signs of needs are
1. Pulling or hitting at ears
2. Closed fist with or without waving/hitting
3. Yawning
4. Making jerky arm or leg movements
5. Arching back
6. Frowning/looking worried
7. Sucking fingers
8. Grunting
9. Clinginess
10. Fussiness after eating or at the breast
11. Tongue movement
When you respond quickly to these signs and comfort them, your baby will cry less often overall. By responding to them you teach them to trust you and to care for them. You are comfort, security and love! If you respond lovingly, calm, and consistently, it teaches your baby that the world is a safe and a predictable place and that their needs are important. Don’t we all need to know our needs are important?
You cannot spoil a child by meeting their needs, just as our partners can not spoil us by meeting our needs.
Our partner and our first days/weeks of postpartum
There are so many layers to this topic that I will have to dedicate an additional blog post on this, but we will hit some of the bigger topics. I will focus on as it relates to learning in the first few days and weeks of your new baby and the changes that brings to your relationship.
Partners know they are capable of helping feed you and doing some household things to help make your first few days as easy and restful as they can. They are happy to help with holding the baby while you pee or shower or just for a few minutes while you take a break from the constant care of the baby. They get excited if a suggestion or something they learned throughout your pregnancy is helpful in caring for the baby.
But much like labor they will often feel very helpless in supporting you in the healing process or the shift from pregnancy to milk making or helping in any way with breastfeeding. They know there is only so much they are able to do to assist us. That helplessness comes out in varying ways and can cause some disconnect between you. As women we are not taught well how to know our needs, or how to ask for our needs to be met. This adds to the disconnect. Often partners have limited time off as well so if they only have a few days they are hating having to leave, feel guilty for leaving when you still need them so much, feel the need to bring in the money, missing out on all this time you have to learn and grow with baby, jealous for some, not feeling included, not feeling needed.
These feelings are valid and so hard to talk about while in the fog of postpartum and doing so much. As baby needs so much throughout the night they often feel as if they will never find connection with you again, wishing just a bit of time with just you even while knowing that is not possible in the moment, and even if they get that, you are wired to be thinking of all the other things and baby while having that time. You too will want connection but it will look different, you may want talks and household support while the baby is with you. A togetherness that includes you being a mother. Once you have become a mother you can not shut off that part of your brain, you now add it into all of your tasks and thoughts. Connection changes, some partners are great at this shift while others wish it could be the “way it was”. As the weeks move on you live in a functional fog, you find ways to get things done in the house, you are in action-action-action you have learned how to get the things done so you feel you again and that needs are met for you and baby and family. This fog is a lack of solid sleep, not eating as well as you need, and the expectations we feel. Partners see this functional fog as you being back to normal, she’s got everything herself, she has a system, where do I fit into this? Often when asked what they can do, we say can you just play with the kids while I do xyz, or can you just take them out for a while. Or we bark orders to get things done and they don’t feel like they are helping more being commanded. Again in the fog, we have a hard time seeing this and struggle with how to do this kinder and more in partnership vs the leader. Slowing down and reconnecting can be hard at this time. In the postpartum fog you are getting all the “love” hormones from your baby and nursing, you are getting that so much throughout the day that you can feel “touched out” when it comes to wanting sex, you may also feel your body is unattractive or scared at how it looks after birthing, fear of getting pregnant so soon while still having a newborn, not knowing how to feel sexy in this new body, these are things we feel but don’t always know how to share or articulate to our partners. It can take some learning to go against our natural instinct to be with a baby to spend time with our partners and to start feeling sexy in this body again. Connection and intimacy is different for every couple talking through each with your partner will help with not disconnecting during this time. This time of change is an amazing time with lots of growing and learning and repositioning, the more open and honest you both can be without defensiveness will help you grow together.
